It gets better

I guess I have always wanted to write something worthwhile on here. I would like to leave something impressionable and something that would at least mean something to one person who might read it. The only thing that I can really write about is my own story.

I have lived a semi-privileged life, and I would like to foremost thank my parents for all the hard work and time they have sacrificed for their children. The many times they had to be apart from us due to work was necessary for us to have for the most part everything that we needed and wanted. They have given me probably the best gift that a college student can receive: to graduate with a bachelor’s degree without any debt. For that, I am immensely grateful to them.

I have known I was gay since I was very young, the age of three I believe- you know you never have the words for it, but you just know that something about you is different from other people. I lived much of my teenage years in angst and depression, always wanting to die but too scared to try anything. I remember the many nights that involved me crying myself to sleep, or the deep angst of worry about being sent to hell because I just wanted to love another man.  Religious hell will instill that into young people, but the true tragedy is when kids think that any type of hell is better than what they face from their peers or people in their lives. Mormonism always taught that being gay was just a phase or a temptation that results in a “sin next to murder” if acted upon. The immense pain that this statement has caused to many gay Mormons is shocking, both metaphorically and literally- all I can say is genital shock therapy… look it up. I need not describe the long history of Mormon organizations such as Evergreen and other BYU recommended programs, and their immense pain and damage that they have caused to gays. I cannot say though, that they are the worst criminals in the religious world concerning this matter.

College offered me some personal freedom, though at BYU not much can be expected as far as new ideas and being gay are concerned. Nevertheless, I did come to realize many more things. Being disenfranchised with Christian thought, as I came upon Eastern Religions and Philosophy in the course of study for my major I became interested and taken with Buddhism. No creator gods, or the concept of hell; the appeal was there on many levels. The middle way of moderation is at least one thing that I have retained. However, as I grew and progressed more in my life, only when I had graduated and finally came to Japan for the start of my first real occupation; I realized that all religion is hogwash. I need not explain myself, for theists can never be debated nor can they accept any reason that I may give them.

Intelligent thought, thinking critically of all things, never afraid to ask questions about anything; though I had always tried to practice these actions, only now have they become a mantra for me. I do not want to say that being gay has made me an atheist outright, but being gay gave me a unique perspective on life and things in the world. Most people are not going to question if god is wrong or not if they are like the norm of everyone else around them, nor are they going to question the teachings of a religious institution concerning the infallibility of god and his teachings for they are not told that what they are is intrinsically wrong. However, there is a relationship, for me at least, between being gay and an atheist.

Now the better part of the story, how not believing in an afterlife or god has made me realize happiness and the desire to live. Food was a way for me to endure this world, and even though it is still pleasurable, I do not want to give it such a strong hold on my life. I changed my diet because I needed to, and I have found the renewed zest for life in doing so- though renewed maybe the wrong word since I have never experienced such a desire to live and not spend every waking moment asking god to let me die in my sleep. For the first time in my life, I want to live. I want to love, and I know that I can and that I am worthy to be loved. Life gets better, but there are many obstacles and things that you might never expect to have to lose along the way. I am strong enough on my own, and even though I might want others in my life, I do not need them. Therefore, if anyone’s opinion is changed about me after reading this, then I, simply put do, not care. There is nothing that anyone can do to me that I have not already put myself through. I will be the one that wants to live.