Defective

     Oh, how I hate the cold and home repair. I have always felt that whenever I touch things, I am instantly going to break them or mishandle them somehow. This just keeps getting reinforced in my mind with how things just keep on happening or breaking on me. My tub gets a large crack just from standing in it. My gas runs out in my heater and is an ordeal to fix the first time, and again I let it run out because it thought I would be good for one more day and didn't want to fill it up the tank outside in a storm. Then this morning in order to help get it ready, the rubber stop fell in when I used a knife to try and get it out. I just feel so clumsy. My car gets stuck in a ditch, my car gets stuck in a snow ditch in the driveway, and I suck the Q key off my computer with a vacuum accidentally. 

     Just small things when you think about it but it just happens so much and I can't help but feel stupid and be hard on myself. It's from a lack of self-esteem sometimes, but I generally feel like I am defective in so many ways. Health issues are never fun to talk about, and even more so, ever since I was little I have had many problems or misconstrued problems. I feel sometimes that I might have been misdiagnosed as having ADHD; I had plenty of ear infections that led to the need for speech therapy as a kid. Though in turn it is weird that I was unable to say sounds and such when I was a kids, no th's and rolling R's, but in my free time now I have a little glossolalia-or better phonolalia- and I just like to say weird sounds like rolling my R's and ejectives and clicks for fun. If anything, I guess I just sometimes have a lack of a filter on my mouth, so I know that when I am angry I shut up and think stuff that is best not said sometimes, and I know that so it is hard for me to express my anger sometimes. I feel better about writing things, but then again I think I come off as mean, but I am trying. I have added uncertainties to my speech and writing style, the use of "just, about, maybe, probably, I think, many, sometimes, and like" have become my coping words to deal with not being direct or certain about things because I am usually wrong or just not up to date with all the facts. I never try to be very certain in things, except a few like cooking and some other stuff. I accept others opinions though I have my own and keep them to myself. I feel like I got the worst and best from my parents genetically. I was the fat one, the socially inept one, the one that always had speech therapists to go to, special camps, getting in trouble with the things I said, and the gay one. The only saving grace is that I feel like I got the best parts of my parents' brains. My parents are both intelligent and smart people and I admire them for that. My father can build anything that can be made from a hardware store and more. I might be smart and able to learn things quickly, but even then I can lack common sense and I used to do things without thinking. I think I have improved with that a little, but still like with this rubber stopper thing, I tried to motion the knife in and then at an angle, but that was useless. I am trying, but sometimes I still feel defective.